We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
