So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
