im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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