your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
