If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
