I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
