i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
