I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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