she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
