Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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