I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
