eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
