it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
soo... how was my night?
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