my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
