My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize