fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
