Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
