when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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