all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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