This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize