i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
