White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
