if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
