I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
