After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
