lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
