i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
