Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
