This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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