Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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