Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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