I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
