I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize