I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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