You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize