Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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