Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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