I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
