My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
