forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
