My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
