Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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