Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
