someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
