Umm I'm too high to move.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
