Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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