Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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