Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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