I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
