Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
