Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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