sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
