I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
