i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Boobs speak an international language.
The power of my boobs compel you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
