She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When are your genitals available?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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