Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Even my vagina gasped.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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