a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
