You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize