Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize