Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
