he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
