Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
