i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
